A Faraway Gaze

A Faraway Gaze

My friend Alan Levine who blogs with his dog out of Strawberry, Arizona, had a fun and interesting challenge up the other day. He and other blogger friends of mine are finding it fun to do a random blog post search of their sites, then interrogating that random post thusly:

  1. What, if anything, is still relevant?
  2. What has changed?
  3. Does this reveal anything more generally about my discipline?
  4. What is my personal reaction to it?

So let me digress briefly into the alien guts of the English/Writing teaching profession. During my quarter century flapping my clipped wings in that particular zoo, it was very popular to have students collect their writing in portfolios–nowadays, e-portfolios. The one thing all the free range chicken writing instructors seemed to agree on was the value of metacognitive writing, which you might call reflective writing, but no, we gotta call it metacog ‘r nuttin’.

The concept here was that it would be good for students if they reflected on why they made certain writerly choices in their portfolios and not others. This is supposed to push them to do synthesis, the highest order of thinking on Bloom’s Taxonomy of Learning, and, in my observation, students hated it pretty much across the board. It was just another bloody hoop to jump through on the way to their dental hygiene or sustainable energy certification where most of them hoped to God they’d never have to either write or self–reflect on another essay in their lives.

And I don’t blame them. It never did much for me to read that pained and painful writing, and after a long, downward spiral of disillusion, I gave up on portfolios altogether. Now all I do in retirement is teach Technical Writing online. Students like it because to them it is more cut and dried, seemingly more objective than the navel gazing of the Frosh Comp writing sequence.

Okay, end of crawl through the murky craw of Alien.

Back to our regularly scheduled programing. I may have lost faith in the value of metacognition, uh, I mean navel-gazing, uh, I actually mean thoughtful self-reflection for students en masse, but personally, I find it interesting and useful.

That said, I spun the wheel of Mind on Fire. The arrow made distressed clicking sounds as it went back in time, but it finally hesitated and jolted to a stop, pointing firmly at Dec. 30, 2011, a blog post called “Boketto.” “Boketto” means “a faraway gaze.”

I chose the word “boketto” to go with my current mood this stormy day at the end of 2011. I had dreamed about searching for my grandmother in the river of my childhood, and she had appeared for the third time in a dream as a great fish. I have often seen my father (who passed long ago in 1979), with that boketto look on his face. Source: http://mindonfire.us/2011/12/30/boketto-gazing-into-the-distance/
I chose the word “boketto” to go with my current mood this stormy day at the end of 2011. I had dreamed about searching for my grandmother in the river of my childhood, and she had appeared for the third time in a dream as a great fish. I have often seen my father (who passed long ago in 1979), with that boketto look on his face. Source: http://mindonfire.us/2011/12/30/boketto-gazing-into-the-distance/

What were the chances?

Life likes to rhyme.

Currently, my dining room table is covered with a light table and thousands of my father’s slides taken 1950s–1979.  I am deep into archiving his legacy in a variety of forms–prints, books, and front and center is a new website Warren Brown Photography

Currently, my dining room table is covered with a light table and thousands of my father’s slides taken 1950s–1979.
Currently, my dining room table is covered with a light table and thousands of my father’s slides taken 1950s–1979.

This is a huge project I only dared begin after I retired. Although I have made stories about my dad before, this sorting of his slides takes me deep into my Myth of Psyche place where Psyche (who represents the soul–her animal aspect is a butterfly) is given the first of four tasks by Aphrodite to sort all the seeds in a pile of grain. The seeds represent all the possibilities that ever were for my dad and for me; they are all the emotions I have to sort through as I bring his legacy to order and to beauty.

Psyche’s first reaction is despair, and I get that. Image by Kevin J. Beltz. http://conveyorbeltz.wix.com/kevin-portfolio#!__psyche
Psyche’s first reaction is despair, and I get that. Image by Kevin J. Beltz. http://conveyorbeltz.wix.com/kevin-portfolio#!__psyche

Both the inner and outer challenges are overwhelming. I have to wrestle the great Bear of Guilt to the ground with every slide I throw into the “reject” pile.

But Psyche gets help from–of course!–the ants. Like the ants, I sort slides into piles called “Mountains,” and “Flowers,” and “Family,” and the heap of rejected slides grows like a giant ant hill in the center of the table.

So that’s where I am right at the moment I spin the blog random-o-matic meter and come up with a five year old blog post called “Boketto,” or “a faraway gaze.” The faraway gaze is in the photo of my father, and I write in the blog post about a dream I had that night about my father, who died of a brain tumor in 1979 at the age of 54.

When I woke up, I made a page in my art journal illustrating the dream, My dad is entering the Museum of Modern Art of MOMA, which is his soul mate connection to my MOM. (It was also five years ago that I began reviewing art on the radio for KLCC four months after this dream. So there’s that…)

I pulled the skein of my artwork and dreams together into this poem. Source: http://mindonfire.us/2011/12/30/boketto-gazing-into-the-distance/
I pulled the skein of my artwork and dreams together into this poem. Source: http://mindonfire.us/2011/12/30/boketto-gazing-into-the-distance/

Life likes to rhyme.

Now to the metacognitive questions:

  1. What is still relevant? I am still haunted by my legacy responsibilities to my father. He is still in my dreams, and I am still doing dream art.
  2. What has changed? Five years ago, he was still far away and ill. In my dreams since then, he has come back to us but still thin and not vibrant. However, now he or his spirit or how I internalize his memory, is much more with me on a daily basis watching me shoot, giving me advice on composing shots, clearly an active parental muse.
  3. Does this reveal anything about my discipline? I have had a lifelong connection with my father and have never given up on trying to provide a legacy for him. Before blogging, I kept and continue to keep, handwritten journals, so my discipline extends back to April 1964 when I first got serious about blogging uh journaling at age 14.
  4. What is my personal reaction now to the Boketto blog post? I value this piece of art a lot because it expresses and recalls what has been going on at the level of dream. Part of my father’s legacy website will be my videos and art (and that of other family members, too) about him, and I would have forgotten this piece.

This is just another piece of evidence showing how valuable the Daily Create is, and how valuable it is to have creative friends like Alan Levine to spin off new posts, new lines of thinking, and, dare I say it? Self-reflection.

My dad’s gaze is no longer boketto or far away. It is focused and interested. He’s pretty excited about having his very own website!

This guy looks a lot like his four brothers, but you can tell its Warren by the camera.
This guy looks a lot like his four brothers, but you can tell its Warren by the camera.